Almost 2 months ago we celebrated the decade it’s been since the day I thought I had indigestion… the day when you decided you were finished with the cozy confines, and were ready to meet the world.
Why am I writing this post two months after that auspicious day? I think because it has taken me this long to come to terms with the fact that I have now been a mother for a decade.
Ten years ago I held you, my first born. Your daddy cried, as he did for all of you, but for you? It was the first time.
You are our first everything. Our first daughter, the first grandchild. The first child I nursed, the first that learned to use the potty. The first to have tantrums, the first to learn to ride a bike.
Ten has been hard so far. Last week my heart broke into little pieces when you laid your head on my lap and cried… you cried about how the boys always want you to do boy things. About how sometimes you want to do boy things too, but more often you want to do girl things. About how you don’t want to let the boys down, but most of the time, you don’t even know what you want to do. Who you want to be.
In the past ten years you’ve wanted to be a ballerina, a gardener, a doctor, a mama, a teacher… right now you want to be a writer SLASH pianist.
Some days you are amazing with your little sister. Playing horseland, dolls, kitchen, whatever other kind of game you can think of. Other days you just want her to leave you alone.
For your birthday this year, you decided to cut off your very long hair and donate it to have wigs made out of. My heart just about burst in that moment, and even more so when you were sad to see it go.
I think that you have been neglected in the past. Ephraim has demanded a lot of attention with food issues… with… well, Ephraim issues. Talya is the baby. You are the oldest, and therefor the most responsible. The one who takes care of herself. Lately, through your attitude, you have reminded me that you need me MORE now than maybe you ever did.
I’ve always thought that parenting was hard. I’ve only just realized that the past ten years have been the easy ten. NOW is when it gets hard. Now is when you notice boys, now is when you need guidance, now is when you are really figuring out who you are, and what God has planned for you in this life. Now is when you need us the most.
It’s a tough place to be, ten is. I remember ten (even though you roll your eyes when I tell you that). The pull to be more grown up, the yearning to stay a child. The wanting the more, but not being ready for it at the same time.
The other day you were sobbing on your bed, and your daddy asked me what was going on. I may have frustratedly said to him, “THIS? Is our life now!”
But you know what? This isn’t our life now. Because the sunshine always comes after the rain.
Every single day you amaze me with your determination, your thoughtfulness, your gentle nature. You are one smart cookie, my daughter, and God has great things planned for you.
Sometimes, sometimes when I look at you, when I see your frustration with your sister and brother, when I see you wanting more, when I see you unsure, frightened… I see myself there. I see myself in you. I often pray that you would get the good things, and not be saddled with my bad things. My idiosyncrasies. I want you to not have to struggle the way I did. I want to take all the painful parts of growing up, the dealing with boys, the insecurity, the wondering who you are; I want to take that from you. Take it and make it smooth.
I want your heart not to get broken, and yet I’m sure that it will. I want you to never feel like you aren’t enough, and yet I’m sure that you will. I want you to always KNOW, always always know that you are loved and cherished. You are a smart, beautiful, intuitive, sweet hearted young lady. You are a child of God. You are important, and you are special.
And when you forget those things? Daddy and I will be here to remind you.
Love,
Momma
Hooligan Zoo 
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