Hooligan Zoo

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Lurking

on May 28, 2010

It’s a funny thing, you know, how once you’ve dealt with depression, grabbed hold of it, taken control, and kicked it out, it’s funny how it lingers. How when you least suspect it, WHAM, it hits you on the back of the head and there it is again. Always lurking in the shadows.

It makes you unsure of your feelings.  Even when the clouds are not hovering.  Makes you wonder if what you’re feeling is true, if you’re overreacting… if it’s okay to feel the way you do.

Even when you know the Lord has brought you through that time once, you wonder if maybe, just maybe, you didn’t learn what you were supposed to and that time is coming again.

And then there’s fear.  The fear that you aren’t strong enough to do it again, the fear that you really are doing it alone.  The fear that this time, this time will be the time that there isn’t an end, that there isn’t another side.  That the clouds will not clear.  That you will stay, mired in the murk, forever.

Because that’s what it’s like for me, that place.  Things are drained of colour, and oh how I thrive on colour.  It’s like the peripheral of your vision is cloudy, and you’re just waiting for those clouds to cover your vision in its entirety.

But now, now I have people who remind me, who tell me when I can’t tell myself, who let me know that I am NOT doing this alone, that while this may be lurking on the edges for the rest of my life?  I am never alone.

When there is fire, and there will be fire, I will not have to do it alone.

When there are rivers that want to drown, I will be held with my head above water.

There is no guarantee in this life that there will not be struggles.  There’s no magic formula to make life perfect all the time.  There’s no chant, no prayer, nothing, that will guarantee that we will not struggle. There WILL be struggles, of that we can be sure.  Different for everyone, yes, but struggles nonetheless.

But in the end?  In the end, there is always an end.  And the journey to get there does not have to be traveled alone.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;

And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you.

When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned,

Nor shall the flame scorch you.

For I am the LORD your God,

The Holy One of Israel, your Savior

Isaiah 43:2-3

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One response to “Lurking

  1. Cliffwho? says:

    I’ll take your side on this one Jamie. I deal with it myself on occasion. I just hang on to the thought of one day all this crap will end and we’ll enjoy the glories of heaven forever. Today is what it is but the future will be absolutely glorious for those who know the LORD. Great verses… hang on to them!

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