Hooligan Zoo

Two Zookeepers… many Hooligans… It's always feeding time at this zoo!

The place of the blog.

on January 24, 2010

You know, I’ve had this blog for a long long time now… since Zi was a baby, I believe.  I was at first trying out software for a friend, and then kind of got the bug.  I’ve gone through phases where I’ve shared a LOT of our lives together, and then phases where I felt incredibly censored…

Right now I’ve been thinking a lot about the balance…  at one point I consider this blog a private journal, something for recording and working out my own issues and struggles in life, and at other times, I feel too open, too raw, too “snooped” on to write what is really happening in my world.

Where’s the balance?  The balance between keeping a record of thoughts and feelings, and reaching out to others with what has or has not worked in our family.

When do I share squabbles and woes within myself and my own, and how they were resolved or not resolved?  At what point do I sense that sharing those things will betray a trust?

How do I get past the fact that sharing personal issues is going to invite, in a way, criticism on how we live our lives?  On how we do things?  Criticism that may in fact, come from those we love the most.

We’ve been struggling with church issues lately, with family issues, with personal issues.  I feel censored in my writing, knowing that I will invite judgement by writing about some of these things.

It’s a tricky thing, a blog… it takes on an identity of it’s own.  Every event is tagged with the question, will I blog this?  Or won’t I?  Is this a private incident that needs to be mulled and cherished in the hearts and minds of those involved?  Or is it something that others may learn from, be entertained with?  What is the purpose of my words on the screen?  Do my words in some way, in all ways, Glorify God?

I also find it difficult because some people who read, who have known me for a long time, have a hard time seeing the changes in me as a person.  They don’t see the internal struggle, and they may or may not notice the change in character… the new convictions placed on our hearts then just seem weird.  So I don’t write about them.

Perhaps the issue is with myself, that I’m so afraid of judgement, that I so badly want people to like me, that I censor myself to appeal to the masses.  I’m working on really believing that it doesn’t matter what others think.  I KNOW that it doesn’t matter.  I know that my worth is not measured by what I do.  Feeling and knowing are two very different things.

Living up to everyone else’s expectations of who you are is never going to work.  It’s impossible to be everything to everyone all the time.

I know that first, I am a daughter of the King.  Secondly, I am a wife, and my loyalty will always lie with my husband.  We are one, him and I, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.  Thirdly, I am a mother.  A woman who cares deeply for her children, who wants the best for them, and who (most of the time) tries to do what is best for them.  Fourth, I am a daughter to my parents, a sibling to my sisters.  I am a friend, an aunt… I am many things.  BUT, through all that, I have to keep my eyes focused on what’s important, on who’s important.  I have to live for Him, and trust that all else will come behind once my focus is in the right place.

So, what is the point of this post?  I have no idea.  I like to write, often I NEED to write, and these things have been milling around in my head for a long time.  There are so many things that I want to write about, but that are kind of taboo subjects.  Family relationships, submission, humility, figuring out where we belong in a community of believers… all the things that I am working hard on.  Will I write about them one day?  Who knows.  In the meantime, I think I need to just wait and see where this blog is going to lead me…

… and I hope that you will join me for the ride.

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2 responses to “The place of the blog.

  1. Cliffwho? says:

    Interesting Jamie. You’ve got your priorities right, that’s all that matters. It really doesn’t matter what others think. There will always be disagreement. It adds spice to life. Keep bloggin on…

  2. Emma says:

    I’ve got so much I’d love to write about but feel I can’t because of family & too close friends reading. Different topics in some ways, but I still hear you. And I hope you do keep going – after all it was you that inspired me to start almost 6 years ago!!

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