Hooligan Zoo

Two Zookeepers… many Hooligans… It's always feeding time at this zoo!


on September 19, 2007

I haven't much talked about this this time around.  Kind of preferring to post, albeit not very often, about my very cute (yet incredibly annoying) kids.

When I have babies, I have a wicked bout of post partum depression.  This time around, I've been on medication since I was about three months pregnant with Talya.

I could feel it coming in, edging over my consciousness… of course, the feeling sick and having to take care of two small children certainly didn't help any.

So there it was, the clouds creeping on the edge of my consciousness.  And with it comes the self doubt… the wondering why we're having another baby, the thought that maybe I'm not good enough for this life we have, the idea that maybe my faith isn't strong enough, that maybe I'm being punished for something.

It's all downhill from that point.  I can never pull myself out of it.  Hours are spent crying for no reason on poor Ja's shoulder.  I can't get myself up off the couch.  Knitting seems impossible to me.  My creativity, that which at times is my escape, is gone.  It's like there's nothing left of me, of who I am, of who I was.  I've forgotten who I am, who I want to be.

So then we go to the doctor's, where I'm already being carefully watched, and we're put on some medication.  More feeling like a failure there.  I know that there is nothing to be ashamed of, and yet it is a failure… it's a failure of my body to produce those 'happy' chemicals.  A failure of mine to keep going without help.

This time the medication was increased fairly rapidly so that I could keep the clouds at bay.  And yet they still hovered on the horizon…

Talya is nine months now.  You would think that those clouds would be gone, that it would be all sunshine and roses, and yet they're still there… ready to swoop over me at a moment's notice.  Waiting for that night when the baby won't let me sleep.  Waiting for a bad day with cranky overtired kids.  Waiting for that self doubt to hit, that thought that I'm not good enough to be responsible for these three little blessings that I have generously been given.

It makes me not trust my emotions.  I've always been an overly emotional kind of girl, things just hit me a little harder than some people.  I take comments and jokes very seriously, as a personal affront.  Only to dwell on them until they seem real…  One comment from someone can throw me into a spiral for days.

I think I will be on medication for a while longer yet.  I'm not ready to start going off of it.  I'm afraid of those clouds and what they can do to me and my precious family.  I need to be me so that I can teach them who they are.  I need to be me so that I can be a wife to my husband.  I need to keep those clouds off in the distance, at least so I can keep an eye on when they want to swoop in… be prepared to put up my umbrella so that the rain doesn't drown me when it comes.

I know that it will get better.  I know that suffering from this has been something that has brought Jason and I closer together as a couple.  I know that I have learned so much about myself, about asking for help, about being open with other people. 

I know that I can take this, this depression that so many of us suffer from, and I can make it into something good.  God has given me the strength for that, and I am going to take it.


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