Hooligan Zoo

Two Zookeepers… many Hooligans… It's always feeding time at this zoo!

an interesting conundrum

on December 6, 2004

to blog, or not to blog…

i haven't been blogging much lately.  which is a shame, because i blog for me, so, i have not been blogging i think in order to punish some people.  which is ridiculous, cutting off my nose to spite my face…

i really wanted this blog to be kind of up-beat, about my kidlets, something where people who live far away from us can have a little glimpse into our day to day lives…  a place where i can vent a little, post my crafties, that kind of thing.  over the past six weeks or so, i haven't had too much positive to post about.

in a nutshell, there have been some things going on with my family…  things that i have totally allowed to feed into my everyday life…  something i hate myself for.  i'm a little bit in exile right now.  haven't actually spoken to my parents for about six weeks.  there have been emails upon emails, some not so very nice ones, and some attempts at reconciliation on my part.  unfortunately, there has been little response at the reconciliation part of it all.

you have to understand, in my family, when something is wrong, we simply pretend that it isn't…  we don't talk about it, we don't acknowledge it, we just carry the hurt with us.  and, this time, the hurt that has been carried along has exploded into something pretty huge.  something that we are not going to be able to ignore without resolving a few things first.

at this point in time it looks as if the kidlets hubby and i will be spending christmas by ourselves.  i refuse to put my kidlets in the midst of a tense situation where i will be sitting on pins and needles waiting for something to happen.  i have never heard keyzia say, “why you sad, momma?” more than i have in the past six weeks or so.  it is my job as their mother to protect them from something that has nothing to do with them.  i will not allow tense feelings and the sensation that something bad could happen at any moment to mar their christmas.

now, i do have to say that things could change at any moment.  i'm hoping for some response to attempts at making up, moving past, forgiveness.  i have prayed so much over this situation, and i know that God is just waiting to do something fabulous with it.  i do have to say that this has been a huge faith booster…  i have been forced to rely on God almost solely for a while now.  i also think that ja and i have become much closer.  he is by far my biggest supporter.

so, after all of this rambling, i think what i am trying to say is that it isn't fair to me not to be able to blog.  i like blogging, i like writing, i like getting comments on what i've written.  it's my outlet and i have missed it terribly!

and besides, the kidlets do way too many funny things for me not to blog them!  you, dear internet, must be subject to stories about my children!  i simply cannot keep them to myself!


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