I’m a feeler.
I cry a lot.
I cry when others cry, I cry when a sad commercial comes on, I cry when I watch the news. When I’m mad, I cry.
And there’s no controlling it.
I used to hate it, the crying. It used to make me crazy. But now, while I’ve not necessarily embraced it, I have accepted it.
I cry. I feel. It’s who I am. It’s how God made me.
But, it also makes things hard. The feeling. Feeling everything, feeling everyone’s hurts. Especially when you, whether correctly or not, start to feel as if you’re the only one feeling for everyone else, but no one is feeling for you.
Then, enter loneliness.
Even though, even THOUGH, my head, my brain, tells me that it isn’t true. That while we often can’t count on people, God is always there. Always on my side.
People will let us down. I will let people down.
But there’s Grace. So much Grace if we just choose to reach out and accept it.
However, even knowing all of that, I seem to have entered this stage of apathy. Of exhaustion.
Fighting is hard.
Fighting for yourself when you feel as if no one is on your side is hard.
Apathy is easy. Not feeling is easy.
Until it isn’t, and then all of those feeling whoosh back in and take you.
And the devil, he whispers that you aren’t worthy, that you have no one, no one, and that no one cares.
And you try to keep that cloak of apathy on, because having that, instead of dealing with the truth, of dealing with those whispers, it’s easier to not. It’s easier to just be, to just go through the motions, to just feel as if you can do it without others, as if you can just keep trucking.
But it slips, that cloak, because it’s not true. You do care. You care far more than you should. And you want to feel valued, and you want to feel important to someone for more than just what you do for them. You want to feel loved for who you are. Just as you are. Flawed, feeling, crying, you.
And still, that voice it whispers, it whispers that you aren’t enough. That no one will ever find value in you. That you are not worthwhile. That you are alone.
And you have to drown out that voice with the truth.
The truth needs to be louder than the whispers, and you have to keep going back to them.
Grace, it’s here. You just have to reach out and grab it. You just have to believe that it’s yours. And even if you need to be reminded every. single. day. It’s there.
Fighting is harder. Fighting means feeling.
But fighting is better. I don’t have to fight for grace. It’s been freely given.
“For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do” (Ephesians 2:8-10)