Angry.

Ja and I, we have been gifted these amazing little people to raise to love the Lord.  To raise to become productive adults.  They are in our house for such a short time, really, even though oftentimes it seems like eternity.

I’ve talked about this before quite a bit, about our struggles with food.  With fitting in when we have to limit our food choices.  With so many different things.

In a nutshell, our lovely, handsome, intelligent, intense son cannot have food additives.  HFCS, MSG, food dyes, all these things cause him to react in terrible and often violent ways.  The big problem is that it’s not an allergy, per se…  and, our society?  Sees sensitivities, especially in one so young, more as an excuse on the parents’ part to explain away bad behaviour.

I’ve actually been accused of that by close friends before.  In fact, I was accused of that indirectly very recently.

Here’s my confession.  I got lazy.  I got tired of reading every.  single.  label.  Every.  Single.  Time.  It’s never easy for us.  Our lives revolve around what we’re going to eat, when we’re going to eat it, how much gets eaten.   If I’m tired of cooking?  We can’t just stop at Wendy’s, or heck, even Subway for a break.  I can’t call Ja and say, “Hey, Honey, had a rough day, can you bring home dinner?”

So, over Christmas I just kind of stopped.  We were taken out to dinner several times.  We did not take our own food with us when we went to family gatherings.  I did not police his intake when we were at gatherings.  We let him have things that we normally would direct him away from.

And oh did my precious boy pay for our lack of diligence.

I’ve known for weeks that he’s been off.  You can actually read it on his face and see it in his behaviour in little ways.  He withdraws.  He doesn’t want to play outside.  He doesn’t handle conflict well.  He doesn’t eat well when we are eating.  He hardly smiles.  He’s… well, he’s not him.

We had a birthday party, we had red cupcakes the same weekend, and then on Monday we had a blowup.  A violent blowup that I’m still sporting the bruises from.

Frankly?  I should not have to use my Non-violent Crisis Intervention techniques on my son.

A full half hour I held him down while he tried his best to injure me, injure himself, or to destroy something.  When I finally got him calm enough, got some juice into him, and held him while he sobbed in my arms, I was beaten and exhausted.  My heart breaks for him.  I don’t want his life to be this hard.

I want to stomp my feet and scream that it’s not fair.

Because you know what?  It isn’t fair.  It isn’t fair that he can’t simply go to a birthday party and have cake and icecream like the other kids without his parents planning ahead for the repercussions that that entails.

It’s not fair that he has to take a break every two hours to eat something so that he can cope with day to day regular interactions.

It’s just, it’s not fair.

I’m angry that in our society today, we can’t trust any food that you buy in a store.  I’m angry that money is so important to big companies that they manufacture fake food that is addictive.   I’m angry that it’s an issue with other people that our son can’t handle food additives.  I’m angry that because it isn’t an allergy, it isn’t treated with respect.  I’m angry that because his reaction is usually delayed, people think that we’re crazy, they think that he’s just a bad kid.

I’m angry that this situation is unfair, preventable, and that we’re judged because we’re choosing different food choices for our son so that he can be the best child he can be.

On Monday when we had friends here, one friend consoled me after the meltdown, and strongly suggested we get some behavioural counseling.

I’m feeling a little bitter about that remark.  It completely negated the fact that he hasn’t had a violent meltdown in two years since we started this food journey.  It completely negated the fact that we have worked our butts off to change our parenting styles, to change the way we do everything, all so that our precious boy can have the best chance at life possible.  Her comment was a slap in the face at all that we had done, and all that we are doing.  It screamed at me, “You are a BAD mother, you have a BAD son.”  And I hate that.  I hate that I took it that way when this friend was probably intending to help console me.

So, where does that take us?

We’re back where we started from.  No more cheating.  No more being lazy.  Planning out every meal and every snack.  Keeping on top of moods and behaviours, and reading when to attribute it to food, and when to attribute it to stubborn kid.

Feeling on edge at every moment.  Not wanting to leave the house, because when we go somewhere?  Then I have to explain.  Explain to people who don’t understand, or who don’t care.  We got a few snide comments about taking our own homemade icecream to an icecream social on Sunday.  We get comments from family and friends about how we’re depriving our kids of a childhood by “forcing” them to eat this way.

We’re making an appointment with a local naturopath to see if there are some other things we can do.  We’ve already seen a doctor and a dietitian.  We’re considering spending a heck of a lot of money on testing to see if we’ve missed something, and also to be able to have something on paper that we can show people.

If this were a nut allergy, it would not be an issue.  Nuts would simply be banned, and no one would bat an eye.  Because it’s often not an instant reaction, people doubt us.  Judging from what’s been said to our face, I can only imagine what must be said behind our backs…

And yet, while I’m busy whining about spending 3/4 of my life planning and making our food, while I’m feeling discouraged that I have to doubt EVERY kind of food that isn’t made by us, while we can’t do this feed our kids thing the easy way….

This boy??

He?  Is so worth it.  Worth every single second.

Why we have a calendar

Yesterday was a bit of an unusual day.  Mostly for the reason that the sickness rages on in this here household of Hooligans.

Monday night, Ja messaged me from work.

 

Ja:  I’m not feeling so good.

Me:  Not feeling good cuz you’re trying to get out of work early?  Or really not feeling good?  (I know, I’m so supportive, right?)

Ja:  REALLY not feeling good.  My tummy is…  not good.  (he’s a man of few words.)

Me:  LALALALALALAAA I CAN’T HEEEEEEEAAAAAAR YOU!!!

 

We were having company Monday night, Ja’s cousin and her husband, good friends of ours.  Ja is sick.  They were already most of the way here.  Not good.

Ja goes into the bathroom, and my heart is pounding, waiting for the horrible noises that can come from within that space…  but, the noises never come.  I peaked in the door, and my big strong husband, the one who very very rarely gets sick, is just standing, leaning on the vanity with his head on his arms.

I sent him to bed.

So, company comes, we have a lovely time.  (soup!  wine!  Christmas debriefing!!)  Ja emerges from the bedroom for a bit, and stays far away from everyone.  It’s all good.  I had already emailed his boss telling him Ja wouldn’t be in for work the next day.

The next day is a bit odd, as it is when Ja throws off our “routine”.  We do the karate thing, Ja stays home, we run a few errands after karate, and come home right about the time to make dinner.

Make dinner (bacon and eggs, you know you were wondering), sit down, eat…  Ja is feeling much much better, but is having soup for dinner.  We JUST finish eating, and there’s a knock at the door.

We look at each other, I say, who could that be?  And Ja says, “Oh no.”*

Oh no??

Oh no??

Really?  What the heck does that mean??

I open the door, and there is one of the gentlemen from our small group.  With the young lady that we often get to babysit.

They are there to…

Take us out to dinner.

Yup.

I’m in jeans, Ja is really grubby.

We of course act all, oh, whoops, we’re running late, just give us a minute!  And commence running around like maniacs a midst the peppered questions of the children.

“Where are you guys going?”

“Whatcha doin’, Momma?”

“Why didn’t you TELL us Brittany was coming?”

Yeah.

Anyway, Ja throws on clean jeans, I put my hair up super quickly, and we call it good.

We get to the restaurant.   A lovely restaurant that we had never been to before.  Hang our coats up, and our dinner partners are dressed very nicely.  We are in jeans.  In JEANS in a FANCY restaurant.

All that being said, we really did have a lovely time.  I was so very very full after second dinner.  They are an incredible couple who are encouraging, uplifting, and have so many tales to tell.

The moral of this story?  Calendars are only good if you actually write your plans on them.

I swear it was in our vows.

Jason, do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?  To have and to hold, to love and to honour, and to clean up all the gross things that may happen from now into eternity?

 

Ja, while gazing deeply and lovingly into my eyes, “I do.”

 

Me, “Ha ha!  Sucker.”

 

He insists that those words were not in our vows at all.  I say they were.  Either way, he still cleans up all the gross things in this house.  Win=me.

 

When I got pregnant with Keyzia, I suddenly couldn’t change the cat boxes.  Well, almost 11 years later, and I STILL haven’t picked that one back up.  Puke, poop, you name it, he does it.  He rinses out poopy cloth diapers that have sat waiting for him all day.  He cleans up puke, both animal and human.  He is amazing.  (In more ways than just this, but this in particular these days.

 

It has been a really terrible winter for illnesses in our neck of the woods this year.  We seem to be getting hit over and over…  the up and down of the weather seems to make us really susceptible to every little bug that wants to squirrel it’s way in.  One gets it, then shares it with the next, and the next, and the next.

 

Bleh.

 

We’ve had the puke plague once now.  It ran through everyone but me.  I drank gallons of grape juice mixed with apple cider vinegar.  Seriously, I have never spent so much money on grape juice in my life.  But, I figured, it couldn’t hurt, right?

 

That was a few weeks ago.  Ja ended up taking a day off.  That night Eph was sick.  And let me tell you, he is the WORST one.  He was standing BESIDE the toilet, and puked all over the bathroom.

 

Ja, even though he had been sick that day, cleaned it up.

 

That man is a saint.

 

Saturday night I went to bed, and was all nice and cozy.  You know when there’s a chill to the room and you’re in that little space between being fully asleep, and just being content to be warm and cozy and relaxed?  I was there.  Only to be viciously jolted awake by the sounds of wretching.

 

My heart sank.  I just laid there for a minute hoping that I was dreaming.  Hoping that we weren’t doing this again.  And then, there it was…  Talya.  At least she made it to the toilet?

 

Every hour after that we’d hear the plaintive cry of, “Daaaaaddddddyyyyy.”  Then the retching into the puke bucket.

 

Ja got to stay home from church with Talya the next day.  I took the two older ones, who were showing absolutely no sign of illness whatsoever.  We do the church thang, and then… on the way home…  Eph exploded all over the back of the van.

 

Yup.

 

Nasty stuff.

 

When we got home and I broke the news to Ja, he just stared at me blankly for a minute, then said, “Well, I guess the van needed a good cleaning anyway.”

 

A saint, I tell you.  That man is a saint.

 

((I suggested just driving the van into the lake, and pretending nothing ever happened….  he gave me that look.  You know the one…))

Annnnnnnnnd…. take two.

So, here we are.  The new “secret” blog.  If I have given you the address, then you should consider yourself high on my likability scale!  If I didn’t personally invite you… well, there’s another blog you can read over there somewhere.

It’s funny because I’ve been sort of setting this beast up, and there is a BUNCH of stuff that I totally totally don’t get.  Do you think I can get a picture in the sidebar over there?  Nopers.  Just a little box.  I was spoiled rotten over at the old blog with Cynthia to do everything for me.  (she probably just heaved a HUGE sigh of relief that I won’t be bothering her much anymore…)

 

(((I totally figured it out!!  Wheeeeeeeeee!!!)))

 

Apparently there are a lot of things you CAN’T do with a free WordPress blog too that I could do with the old blog.  I still think it’s totally worth it to just let the oldie go… along with the feelings of censorship, performance, and whatever else became the reasons for writing on that blog.

 

I’m not sure if I’ll write frequently over here, but I already feel so FREE.  So very free.  It’s glorious.  If I want to tell you, oh anonymous internet, that my family and Ja’s family were all boobs over the holidays (they weren’t ALL boobs…) then I can.  heh.

 

I promise not to go back to writing in all lower case letters, however…

 

*shudder*

 

I also promise an overuse of elipses….

 

….

 

….

 

And some poorly written nonsense while I get back into this thing.

 

Zonino!  As Ja would say!  Onward!

So long, farewell Auf Wiedersehen, goodnight

I have been blogging since about 2003, when I was pregnant with Ephraim, refusing to use capitals (I thought it was cool…), Ja was finishing university, Zi was a baby.

 

Much has happened since then.  Another baby in our house, Ja losing his brother, moving 3 times in 6 months, you name it.

 

I haven’t been blogging much in quite a few years.  I’m not totally sure why I haven’t.  Writing has always been a huge outlet for me, and for a long time, this blog has been that outlet.

 

When I had the business, the wonderful Cynthia over at Webwurks designed this purdy blog, did it on a budget I could afford, kept it going, updated it… talked me through things when I “broke” it.  It’s been a good thing, this blog.

 

I’ve gone back and read through some of my *shudder* old posts, and I think it’s time to let that all go.  I pay for this little piece of the internet, and I don’t use it enough to make it worthwhile for anyone.  I don’t know if I got caught up with feeling like I had to have pictures in every post, or that I had to censor what I really wanted to say because I had too many people that knew me personally who were reading.

 

Maybe I just started to be present instead of thinking of everything my hooligans did as being blog fodder.

 

Maybe it’s simply easier to post tidbits of our lives for family to see on facebook.

 

Regardless of the reason, it’s time to say good bye.  This has been a wonderful space for working things out over the years.  Last week I got the invoice to renew my hosting services, and I will not be renewing it.  Paying for this space is not motivation enough for me to write in it more often.

 

I may be back one day, in a new space, but for now, it’s time to let this go.

 

I don’t know when this space will disappear, but I imagine it will be soon.

 

Thanks for being a reader, thanks for any positive comments, and heck, for even the negative ones that made me re-evaluate.  I’ll be over here in my little corner of the world being present with my family as much as I possibly can.

 

If anything, looking at my old writing on this blog has shown me exactly how fast time will go.

 

Many blessings to all of you,

jamie

 

 

Juice fasting – a wrap up

I thought a little wrap up post may be in order…  A few things we learned, things we’d do again, things we won’t do again.

 

AmyJ was quite serious about not getting a UTI next time.

 

Ja and I think our first few days of having dinner may have made it harder to keep going.

 

We used some recipes, some we liked, some we didn’t.  But by far, both of our favourites was basically when I just threw a bunch of stuff in a juicer, and a lemon.  Always a lemon!

 

The results for Ja and I are that he lost 17 pounds.  I lost about 9 1/2.  I also lost about 2 inches off of all my measurements.  That’s with no exercise at all.  Just doing the juicing.

 

Ja said he is still amazed that he lost 17 pounds.  In a week!  Even though he was still taking in calories every single meal (some of the juices were 500 calories a quart).  He also said that he did have times where he was hungry during the week, but when he got so sick of all juice all the time, and knowing that only juice was an option, he just went without and ignored being hungry.

 

What I learned, I need to space out my juice, not drink it all at once.  I did the best when I sipped my breakfast juice, interspersed with herbal tea, and didn’t finish it until about 11am.  I made each meal about a quart at a time.  Drinking half, then having tea, then drinking the other half seemed to work the best for me.

 

Also, having a “treat” did a world of good for our morale.  We had Organic Kombucha as a treat one night, and it really helped the too much juice blahs.  I think I would make sure to have Kombucha in the house the next time we do it.

 

((yes, I really said “the next time we do it!”  Ja really really wants to do it again in November.  He’s just that CRAZY!))

 

As far as cost goes, it was a bit expensive, but I think it balanced out a bit because we weren’t eating big meals with the kids.  And, I didn’t really make a lot of huge meals for the kids either.  Next time around, I think the hooligans will do a lot more of their own meal prep to make it easier.  It’s amazing, the temptation to nibble as you’re cooking.  Even watching them eat was really difficult.  Especially at dinner.

 

I couldn’t have done this and been in the house if Ja weren’t doing it too.  Being able to whine constantly to AmyJ made a huge difference too, because she was going through the same kinds of things.  I also purposefully didn’t make any plans for the week.  I think I could do that differently next time as long as we weren’t at someone’s house for a meal.

 

Going forward from here?  We’re all attempting to stay off caffeine.  Ja took Teeccino to work this morning, I had peppermint tea.  Amy is having decaf coffee.  We figure we’ve all been off caffeine for at least a week, why jump back on that wagon now?

 

I am disappointed that I didn’t have a huge rush of energy.  Ja felt slightly more energetic, but I didn’t.  I hit a point where I felt normal, but not with that huge rush a lot of people talk about.  Now, that being said, it was definitely easier to get out of bed the last few days.  That was good.  Anyone that knows me knows I am not a morning person at all.

 

Were there points when I would have given almost anything to just have something to eat?  Oh you bet there were.  There were a lot of them.  For most of yesterday, Ja and I were talking about what our first meals would be.  I will say that those were the best eggs I’ve ever had this morning!  Ja thoroughly enjoyed his oatmeal too.

 

For the juice recipes, what amounted to our favourite was really just when I threw a bunch of vegetables in the juicer, added an apple, a pear, and a lemon, and called it good.

 

But, for those specifics of you out there, here are another few we liked.  Each makes approximately three – four cups.

 

Wolters’ Surprise  (You can easily sub in and out with whatever you have in this one.  Just keep the apple/pear/lemon/sweetpotato combo)

 

1 sweet potato

2 carrots

2 stalks of celery

1/2 cucumber

chunk of ginger

chunk of red cabbage

1 apple

1 pear

1 lemon

 

Sunset Blend

 

1 sweet potato

1 large carrot

1 red bell pepper

2 large beets

2 apples

1 orange

 

V28 (Ja really liked this one….  I hate tomato juice, so I didn’t try it.)

 

3 large red beets

2 medium carrots

2 stalks celery

4 plum tomatoes

4 cups parsley (packed)

12 red radishes

 

Green Lemonade

 

1 green apple

2 cups spinach (3 handfuls)

2 cups kale leaves (6-8 leaves)

1/2 cucumber

4 celery stalks

1 lemon

 

There you have it!  And we are all hoping to give it another go as a Christmas prep in Early November.

 

Honestly, I’m super proud that we stuck with it.  We have such a history of starting things and then never finishing them.  We set the goal of 7 days, and we made it 7 days.  Could we have continued?  Sure.  But I think that we’ll take this one as a win, and call it a day.

Juice Fast – Days 6 & 7

And we made our goal!  7 days!  WOW!  I can’t even believe it!!

 

Day 6 was something like this,

 

Amy – Still on abx.  

 

Jamie – Slept well, tired of following juice recipes and just throwing a bunch of stuff in the juicer every time.  Heh.  We both are fairly fond of that route!  Peppermint tea in the AM.  Good energy.  Out for the morning and afternoon.  Slightly disappointed that I haven’t had that huge energy rush.  Dinner is really really hard.  Making it/smelling it/giving it to the kids and not having any myself.  I ended up feeding them, putting a movie on for them, and getting in the tub while they ate it so as not to be tempted.

 

Jason – Slept well.  Had a really hard time with feeding the kids lunch…  so hard not to pick at what they’re eating!!  Energy level slightly above normal.

 

 

Day 7, the day of victory, went like this,

 

Jamie – LAST DAY!  Did you hear me???  LAST DAY!!!  church today, peppermint tea in the AM.  Made juice the night before so that I wasn’t ripping my hair out trying to get everyone out the door this morning.  Lunch juice was a bit late, and I think I get headachey (The autocorrect on Google Documents is telling me that headachey is not a word.  I say pffffffffft.)  when I wait too long for the next juice.  Nice that I figured that out on the last day.  sigh.  Herbal tea tonight while we watch Doctor Who and celebrate actually sticking with something.

 

Jason – Hated having AM juice at church, but made it through!  Really contemplated stealing one of the hooligan’s hot dogs at Costco for lunch…  Energy level slightly higher than normal.  Feeling good!  Really want to do this again in November!

 

 

Juice Fast – Day Five

Well, it’s the morning of Day 6 here, and I have decided to live.  I actually don’t feel too bad this morning!  First time!  No headache, slightly cranky, but, anyone who knows me will tell you that I am NOT a morning person.

 

Amy – Felt like crap because of uti and antibiotics.  Slept extra,  lunch juice,  normal dinner.

 

 

Jamie – Terrible terrible night.  Nightmares from Doctor Who (the SILENCE!!), children up, etc…  Have had enough of this juice fast crap.  So very tired of juice.  Where is my energy rush??  WHERE?  Only thing keeping me going at this point is that I’m down 6 pounds.  AM Juice (2 peaches, 1 apple, broccoli, carrot, sweet potato)  Peppermint tea in the AM.  Drank half my lunch juice, then we went to town.  Got a berry mix at the freshly squeezed place in town, it helped my mood IMMENSELY.  Drank other half of lunch juice around dinner time, then another two cups around 8:00pm.  We finished it off with some Kombucha.  I did not feel hungry for most of the day.  Energy level was normal.

 

 

Jason – Down 11 pounds.  Very hungry in the AM.  Am Juice was good.  I had decent energy, but was a bit scattered.  Was hungry for a lot of the day.  Drank lots of water.  Teeccino during the day.  Juice for dinner.  Kombucha for dessert.

 

 

Juice Fast – Day 4

So, this post is for Day 4, yesterday, but today is actually Day 5.  I just thought that I’d share that I’m so very very tired of juice.  If I never saw juice again, it’d be too soon.  But, when I did a checkin this morning, I was down 6 pounds!  Ja is down 11 pounds!  So, we will struggle on….  2 more days after today!  That’s easy, right???

 

Amy – AM weight 147.4 lbs. Super tired. Sleep really well, but don’t feel rested. No time to make juice this AM. Day off. Diagnosed with a UTI this afternoon.

 

 

Jamie – Woke up with slight nausea and a headache.  Starting with peppermint tea.  AM Juice (strawberry, apple, pear, sweet potato, cucumber, orange broccoli)  Feeling hungry, headache gone a couple of hours after getting up.  Energy level normal.  Afternoon juice was TERRIBLE.  I subbed in swiss chard for the kale, and it was seriously terrible.

Headache seems to hit at about 4.  Had two small slices of homemade pizza for dinner.  Water with blueberries later on.  Headache eased by bedtime, no advil today.

 

 

Jason – Feel okay, but tired.  Super hungry for AM juice.  Think that I have more energy during the day, and am thinking more clearly.  SUPER SUPER enjoy dinner.  We have had the best soup and pizza EVER this week!  Try to eat it super slow so that it lasts longer.  I wonder if we can put pizza through the juicer?

 

 

 

Juice Fast – Day 3

 

Day 3!  We made it to Day 3!!  Wheeee!!

 

Amy – AM weight 147.4 lbs. 32 oz juice (apple, carrot, swiss chard, ginger, celery, cucumber), split into thirds (morning/lunch/afternoon). 20oz hot mint medley tea. Woke up easily, energy level is fair and pretty consistent. Craving near lunchtime to chew on something. Clif Kids Zbar, half in AM, half in afternoon. Homemade potato soup and sourdough pita for dinner. Herbal tea.

 

 

Jamie – Down roughly a pound.  Quart AM Juice, trying to stretch it out a bit.  Not drink it all at once.  (apple, pear, 2 beets, 3 carrots, chunk of ginger, 8 kale leaves, 3 cups spinach).  

Energy level is okay.  Not fabulous.  Woke up much easier, did not sleep well.  Feeling congested today.  

Lunch Juice (1 green apple, 2 cups spinach, 2 cups kale, ½ cucumber, 4 celery stalks, 1 lemon)  Really liked the lunch juice.  Especially it’s pretty green colour!!  

My jaw is really sore today, wondering if it’s too much drinking through the straw…  Took advil before group tonight to ward off the lingering headache.  One cup of soup for dinner, and was full.  Did not drink the ½ quart of juice I had made to go with it.  Slight headache at bedtime.  Rooibos peppermint tea in the evening.

 

 

Jason – Woke up at 4:30, didn’t really go back to sleep.  “I think I had more energy today.”  Felt hungrier today than before, and was surprised by that.  Slight headache at bedtime, and super tired.  Pants feel looser.